A Merry Heart

Merry Heart
February 10, 2017

I found myself pondering animal psychics.

It was one of those afternoons; I was working on the computer all morning, staring at the blue of my screen, zoomed in doing some detail work on some portraits. After removing hundreds (yea, thousands) of blemishes, tucking chins, straightening teeth and removing wrinkles (I should be making at least as much as a plastic surgeon) my brain was pretty much goo, and I had to take a break. I wandered the living room before I found myself mindlessly staring out the window. It was a gray day with loosely formed, wispy clouds. I watched different scenes float by me as the clouds changed form: a girl with tangled braids chasing a tarantula, a man with 3 arms drifting by as his toupee separated from his head and landed on a peanut, a toddler chasing a palm tree, and most interestingly I saw a dog on a psychiatrist’s couch with a bottle of fingernail polish in one paw. With my somewhat deliquesced mind, I wondered what the dog was thinking and why would he agree to go to therapy. Who can unfold the inner workings of the canine mind? It was at that point my gooey mind began to ponder animal psychics:

Just how does that work? A person can psychically tell you what your dog is thinking?? “Rover is having issues with meal times,” or “Spot’s feeling are hurt every time you kick him off the sofa.”

I could understand how useful an animal psychic could be: imagine…a shooting takes place on a subway. An innocent bystander has his pet iguana on a leash. No one present has the courage to look at the gunman, but Billy the Lizard bravely gets a good look at the assailant and is able, through a psychic to give testimony and put a man in prison for life! Yeah, THAT seems like a good idea! What if the defense puts up their own psychic expert and claims that’s NOT what Billy saw—how do you know who’s lying?

How can you prove an animal psychic is a fraud; it’s not like the Schnauzer can say, “NO, no, no, I am NOT depressed, I just get tired in the afternoon.”

If you’re looking for a career, you can now, indeed, get a “Professional Certification.” On this point, I may agree; I think anyone seeking a career in this field should be “certifiable.” I wonder what’s on the final test: They bring in a Chihuahua and tell you to list 3 things Fifi loves about summer?

There is actually a “Professional Pet Psychic” that offers a phone consultation but forewarns that the line will go quiet for sometime while she “connects” with your pet (good time for her to clean out the junk drawer)! I would love to see how she would connect with my Pet Rock™, “He wants you to know that even though it seems like he is ignoring you, he’s thankful you gave him a home.”

I don’t read pets’ minds, but before you wonder what it means when your dog looks at you with an anxious expression and cocks his head, remember, he’s a dog and probably just wants the cupcake you have in your hand.

Next time I need a break from my computer work, maybe I should sort socks.

*Disclaimer: I in NO WAY believe in animal psychics, though I DO believe in a dog’s right to refuse to submit to hypnosis.

In case any of you have one (or don’t know what they are) there is a website on how to care for your Pet Rock™ http://www.wikihow.com/Care-for-Your-Pet-Rock.