A Merry Heart

Merry Heart
August 15, 2019

Deep Thoughts, Part 1


Since the Don of Thyme, man has searched for the deeper meaning of… stuff… and…junk. Myself? I’ve learned to not take things so much at face value: Spray on Hair doesn’t work for filling in “dead spots” in your scalp (but it works great if whimsy strikes and you want to give the dog a mustache), I bought the Ginsu knives that “cut tomatoes so thin my in-laws will never come back…” but they did, And btw, they loved the tomato juice.

After filling the basement and an upstairs closet with products that sound great but essentially are only good for doorstops and paper weights, I’ve learned to dig beneath the surface and think deeper. Apparently, I’m not so unique; others think like me—it’s a scary world. Here are thoughts shared by others (and a couple of mine, thrown in):

When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

Why do banks charge you an “insufficient funds” fee for money they already know you don’t have?

If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

Why do we tend to raise our shoulders when we’re out in the rain?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

What is the speed of dark?

Do you get salmonella if you put Nutella on salmon?

Do people ever roll over in their graves to just get more comfortable?

Why don’t you ever see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery?”

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually expire and turn into mulch, which they can consume?

Why can theme parks snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still?

Is it fair that Neil Armstrong will be famous forever just cuz he was pushy?

When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?

Somewhere in the world, there is somebody with your dream job that hates going to work every day.

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I’ve awakened over 10,000 times and I’m still not used to it.

When a company offers me a better price after I cancel their subscription, they’re just admitting they were overcharging me.

Christmas feels more like a deadline than a holiday.

After years of disliking the way I look, only now I realize I’m not ugly; I’m just not my type.

Vehicles today can surf the web, link to your phone, stream music and videos, etc.. but they still can’t can’t tell you why the check engine light is on.

Last night my friend asked to use a USB port to charge her smart toothbrush that shows you pictures of the inside of your mouth while you brush, but I was using it to charge my book. The future is stupid.

Once you have a PHD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor’s appointment.

The Google self-driving car should have an “I’m Feeling Lucky” button that drives you to a random location.

If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the earth briefly becomes a sandwich.

There should be a superhero called, “Placebo-man!” He doesn’t actually have any superpowers; he’s just a normal guy that everyone THINKS is a superhero.

Mars is populated entirely by robots.

…and finally for Don Weaver: Why can short people ask tall people to reach things for them, but tall people, when they drop stuff, can’t ask short people to pick them up?